Chuck Bomar

Holiday Tensions in Relationships

Chuck Bomar — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:05:42 -0800

The holidays can be a weird time for relationships, any kind of relationship - you're not a baby anymore.

You likely were able to see some old friends while at home. This is fun and can be a great time to catch up. But there’s been so much that’s happened over the last 4 months and there’s no way to explain it all over a cup of coffee. This can often leave us feeling distant from those we were so close to. Part of you loves to reconnect, while the other half of you is more excited about where your life back at school and the friends you have there.

If you came back to stay with your parents, that relationship can be quite unique as well. You like seeing them and of course they’re elated you’re back home, but right about now you may want to leave! You might be thinking it could’ve been good to make the trip 5 days, instead of 10. And, next year, you’re just going to make sure you have to work so you can limit the time you spend at home. You’re parents will understand and respect that and you can avoid hurting their feelings. It’s been good while it’s lasted, but it’s time to get back to YOUR life.

Some of you may have gone off to school and continued dating someone who stayed at home or went to school somewhere else in the country. Now, coming home for the holidays, you’re re-united. This can be exciting and yet awkward at the same time. It feels great to be together again, but you’ve experienced so many things that you couldn’t communicate over the phone, text, or iChat. Now, for some reason you feel a bit disconnected. It’s not necessarily bad, it’s just weird.

If you grew up in the church and your youth pastor reached out to you and connected for a bit, that could’ve been nice too. It could’ve also felt like an accountability time where you felt like you had to say all the right things. You may have questions and doubts about your beliefs now and yet didn’t feel comfortable sharing those. Or, you could’ve unloaded everything on them you’ve been thinking through. Either way your meeting probably went alright, but if you spent too much time with them you would feel like you’re taking steps backward in life.

You may not be feeling any of these things and you could be excited to see your family and old friends so much you wish your time could be longer. But most likely there’s parts of you that is just looking forward to getting back to your life. Maybe, there’s a little bit of guilt in you for feeling like this...?

Here’s what I would say to you: you’re normal; it’s a part of life where you are becoming your own person; it’s expected, healthy, and possibly even necessary for you to have some feelings like this. In other words, don't worry about it.

Graduate + No Career = Depressed Feelings

Chuck Bomar — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 13:56:23 -0800

I met with a guy today in a coffee shop by my house who is a college grad and still waiting tables at a restaurant. He has a degree in a very respected area, but still hasn’t found a career oriented job in that field. The struggle is deep, and people in his position often deal with feelings of depression, insignificance, and humiliation.

Nobody goes to college with the dream of NOT finding a job. The hopes of a financially successful future is at the core of EVERY college student. But after graduating many find their hopes turning into feelings of hopelessness. Pride is shattered. Dreams crushed. Hopes squelched. Direction lost.

Sifting through all the feelings of the seeming sociological failure we're going through is tough, but there is frankly something much more important we ought to be thinking through. If you or someone you know is struggling through these feelings of hopelessness, here are 4 things you ought to keep in mind...

1. God is at work. Although the sociological progression you were hoping for isn’t panning out, we have to keep in mind that God is interested in us progressing in much more significant ways. We have to remember that God is interested in spiritual growth and maturity and He can - and will - do anything to keep us focused on that. So paying attention to what He's doing in our lives from a spiritual perspective is where we ought to focus our energy. And, it's much more freeing.

2. Make sure to listen. We can continue to push forward for success in society, or simply listen to what God is teaching us about Him and ourselves - here, today. We have to remember that God may be hindering circumstances in the career field for a much greater purpose! I know that may be a tough pill to swallow at first, but spiritual progression is much more significant than sociological successes.

3. Check your heart. Many times feelings of hopelessness come in because of the sin of pride and envy in our own hearts. There’s nothing to be proud of when you graduate from college and can’t find a job. But, maybe this is what God is actually doing! Maybe, if we look at this with spiritual wisdom and insight (Colossians 1:9-10), God is protecting your heart from being arrogant and is forcing humility in your life - which is a much more godly characteristic. Now, if you don't think your pursuit of a career is driven by pride - well, you're mistaken. One of the reasons it's difficult is simply because of our pride. This may be what God is trying to show you, and from a spiritual perspective, thinking through this in your life is way more worthwhile. But, the sin driven pursuits don't stop there. The sin of envy creeps in too and we look and see where others we graduated with are in life and we wonder why them and not me!? These people maybe come into the restaurant we’re serving in and we end up serving them while they’re on their business trip. We have to remember and work through the sin issue driving our feelings and listen to what God may be trying to teach us about that area of our life.

4. Don’t rob the process. It’s so easy for us to concentrate on what we don’t have and what we wish we did. When we do this we end up pushing for what we want, often robbing what God is doing in our life. If God hasn’t shown us a career direction yet, what might He be wanting to teach you? That’s where we ought to be focusing. THIS is THE time to learn the lessons God is teaching. Don't rob the process in developing your relationship with Him by pushing for what you don't have in society.

If you're a college student and have a lot of hope stored up in a career and a successful financial future you may want to seriously think through where and what you're placing your hope in. It may change and if your not careful you may be setting yourself up for failure - not to mention missing what God may be saying to you.

Anyway, just some thoughts from my perspective.

Hearing God Speak

Chuck Bomar — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 11:28:40 -0800

Sitting at Ava right now, my favorite coffee shop. On a couch, sipping a dark chocolate mocha, in a ceramic cup, on a rainy day. Beautiful.

I've been thinking and praying through a series I'm teaching called, "Tuning in to God's Voice." As I'm looking around the coffee shop, I'm wondering what people here would think about this topic.

What does God want me to do with my life? Now that's a question a lot of us are asking.

My thoughts are beginning with the idea of Christians always saying that we have a "personal relationship" with God. Do you think that's true? Obviously the Scriptures clearly allow for this concept, but do you think most people sitting in churches on Sunday mornings actually do?

Do you? Maybe you're a person that's said that phrase in some intellectual debate you were having with someone, but was it an authentic statement for you to make?

If you do have one, what does that look like? In any relationship there is communication. Without communication there is no relationship. We talk and listen. hhhmmmmmm....

Praying would be us talking to God and it would also have elements of us listening to what God is saying (or at least it should). But what does hearing God's voice look like?

How can we know it's God speaking and not someone else? How can I make sure I'm really hearing Him? Is it just by reading my Bible ? If all the circumstances in my life work out perfectly, does that mean it's God? Or, what about what other people are telling me - how do I know if it's God or not? How can I sift through all my cultural influences and tune them out,, making sure I'm only hearing God's voice?

There seems to be a plethora of questions to be answered. The biggy is whether or not we actually have a personal relationship. if that's the one thing that supposedly sets Christianity apart from every other religion in the world, we should probably know what that looks like. We ought to know from experience how communication with God works. We should be able to sift through outside influences and tune in to His voice. If not, if we can't hear His voice, do we even have a "personal relationship?"

Possibly even a bigger question and more applicable to you is: how are you going to determine what God wants to do with your life?

Being able to hear His voice is vital...don't you think?

10 Minutes and Light Years away

Chuck Bomar — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 10:42:03 -0800

"Another one bites the dust" is playing right now in the background. I love it. I want to dance.

Just kidding, kind of.

I drove downtown this morning to come to one of my favorite coffee shops - Stumptown. Stumptown is a nickname for Portland because when they were building the city they had to cut down a lot of trees (yes, amazing, they killed tree’s in Oregon) and there were a bunch of stumps around. Hence the name, “Stumptown.” This coffee shop, however, not only has historical roots it also has phenomenal coffee!

All the stores have a similar feel to them - urban feel (as you can tell by the dj booth in the back), but have a very eclectic base of customers. People who are homeless, in school, businessmen and women, etc...all come here. I come here because it’s only about 10 minutes from my house, but it feels like light years away. That’s the beauty of Portland - there are so many different types of areas here. Each district is unique from all others.

One thing remains consistent though - coffee shops and people in them.

I don't know about you, but I love to people watch. The girl that took my order is wearing all black, has tattoo's everywhere and more earrings than I've ever seen on anyone, and in places...well, you can just call them piercing(s). Definitely plural. The guy sitting next to me is "preppy," with his banana republic outfit, scarf, the whole bit and he's studying for a criminal justice exam. A guy in a business suit just walked past me to use the restroom, and there's a homeless guy sitting at the bar in the window. A number of other people sitting, working on their laptops, reading, or just having conversation.

Whoa. A guy just walked past me wearing ALL spandex - black pants and a florescent green long sleeve shirt! You'd think he's just out jogging, but I find that hard to believe being that he's wearing wooden Dutch Clogs!!!! Amazing!!!! He's gotta know he's different.

Anyway, sitting here drinking a fantastic mocha, writing while glancing up and watching people. I've recognized something today that, I guess, I haven't really thought about before. Here, in this coffee shop, there are all different types of people...and they are actually talking to each other. Everyone here is living in some type of smaller sub-culture of sorts outside of this context, but at coffee shops it's all the same.

I'm thinking...I wish the church was more like coffee shops.

Looking or Becoming?

Chuck Bomar — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 10:45:16 -0800

Just in line at Starbucks. As I was standing there I saw a man writing in a notebook - he obviously didn’t know I was snooping. He certainly didn’t recognize the fact that I took this picture with my cell phone! Sssshhhhh.

He was a middle aged man, and from what I could tell he was listing out the characteristics he wanted in a mate! I checked and he didn’t have a wedding ring on. The title at the top of the page was “desired characteristics.” His list was VERY long - maybe that’s why he didn’t have a significant other…?

Picky? Maybe, but there might be something deeper going on.

Most of the time when we’re thinking about future relationships we think about characteristics we desire a “significant other” to have. In many ways I think this can be healthy, but turning the table a bit may be a better perspective.

I think we can learn something from this guy and the thought process he's approaching relationships with. Maybe he hasn’t found a mate because he’s too busy looking for the perfect person rather than seeking to become the right person. Maybe, just maybe, if he concentrated more on developing the right characteristics in himself singleness wouldn’t be such an issue...?

Easy for me to say, right? I'm already married.

There might be some truth to that. My wife married me and I'm certainly a far cry from the ideal person. And, the truth is when we were dating we both were evaluating the other to see if we had found the right person. But hindsight is a beautiful thing. I think we could've saved ourselves a lot of headache in marriage if we had a different perspective.

It seems like when we are so picky about characteristics in others we're automatically assuming we’ve already arrived. But doesn’t that seem arrogant? If our approach to finding that person consists of critiquing someone else to see if they're good enough for me, that just seems judgmental, self-righteous. That passage about pulling the plank out of my own eye comes to mind.

Honest evaluations of ourselves are healthy and I would say necessary.

Looking for the right person isn’t necessarily bad, but maybe if we had more of a focus on ourselves and the areas we need to grow things would be different. Maybe we could simply try to become that desired person. Seems like a much healthier and humble approach to relationships - married or not.

Maybe this guy was single for a reason. Maybe we could learn something.

Speechless and left wondering...

Chuck Bomar — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:36:09 -0800

I'm sitting in a coffee shop (of course) - this one, at this time, will remain nameless. Why? Well, I don't want to give this one a bad vibe in anyway.

People have secret lives. People often aren't what they seem.

I was hanging out with a couple guys from my church. We were just hanging out talking about life, laughing. It was fun. But then one of them tells me the guy behind me (in business attire) is playing some porn game on his computer. In a coffee shop? In public? Weird.

People sometimes are so lost in their secret lives they forget it's a secret. They get so in tune they forget others are around.

Apparently, since my friend was sitting directly across from me, he glanced at the guy behind me and saw some reality game on his computer where there was a night club scene. And then all the sudden he said the guy clicks on the girl, undresses her so she's dancing completely naked, and zooms in. All I knew was my friend abruptly looked away (in fact he adjusted his seat to face another direction). Being that all this was happening behind me I didn't know what was going on, but I could tell from the look on my friends face that whatever just happened didn't settle well with him.

After my friends left, I'm left sitting here wondering what brings someone to do this in public. I understand many people struggle with pornography - male and females deal with this. I'm a pastor, I walk people through this all the time. There are many issues we could discuss on that note for sure. But, in public...in a coffee shop?

I wonder what the guy would've said if I turned around and asked him what he was playing? Would he have been embarrassed? Would he have talked about it as if it were no big deal?

I'm sitting here perplexed a bit. I'm wondering what his relationships are like outside of that video game? I'm guessing that if he plays this in public that there is much more in secret. I'm wondering if he has a girlfriend or wife and if so how his life of porn interaction affects that relationship?

One thing I know is he's surely robbing himself of the beauty of true intimacy in ANY relationship he may have with a woman.

Sometimes people fail to realize the potential damage their secrets can have on others.

Look, if you struggle in this area know there is grace when repentance is present. But, you need to know it's also robbing you of the very thing you desire in a relationship. In fact it undermines everything you probably say you value and believe in. Just a thought from another coffee shop.

Needs, Desires, Expectations

Chuck Bomar — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 11:40:02 -0800

Went to a different coffee shop today. The Hawthorne district is a very popular district in Portland. It's pretty much the place to be if you're in your twenties. It's known for it's pubs, shopping, night life...and of course, coffee shops. So, I came to "The Press" this morning. It's at the end of Hawthorne blvd, with a quaint outside and urban feel inside. Even though it’s about 25 minutes away from my house, I come here every once in a while because it's a great place to meet people.

I sat on a couch. It has a coffee table in front of it with another couch across, facing me. I sat here because there's a couple sitting on the couch across. I figure if we're facing each other we're bound to have some type of conversation - at some point. My assumption proved to be true. The couple just packed up and left, but we had a great conversation.

Now, every conversation is different. Some are very surface level, while others get deeper. This conversation with this couple, got a bit deeper.

We got to the point where I was asking them questions about their relationship. This couple is not married, but have been living together for the past 4 years. They seemed to be very much in love. They were connected emotionally, they seemed to understand each other pretty well, and sat very close to one another. They were also very nice to me.

The thing that struck me about this conversation and couple, however, was that they hadn't really thought about some things that I think are vital for relationships. One of the first questions I asked them was what they need from one another. I used the word “need” on purpose. It was a bit of a diatribe (loaded question that purposefully led them to think wrongly for the purpose of getting a point across). They each listed what they felt they “needed” from the other.

They responded like most couples: to feel loved, respected, supported, to be heard, etc.

My second question was, “Do you think those are ‘needs,’ or are they more of ‘desires’?

They never thought about the difference before. In our culture we always use the word need to describe what we want. Amazing, simple, yet very important difference to understand.

What we categorize as needs is what determines our expectations. When our expectations aren’t met, we kick and scream. This ALWAYS causes tension and friction in relationships. Expectations, whether they’re known or not consciously, are very fragile. You see, a need is something you cannot physically live without. A desire is very different. We desire many things we don’t literally need. Having desire aren't necessarily a bad thing, but distinguishing the difference can be huge in a relationship.

God promises to meet our needs, not our desires. Determining what our true “needs” are from what it is we desire in a relationships can not only help us understand who we are better, but it can also diminish the potential for friction. Wrongly categorizing desires as needs will always lead to expectations not being met.

This couple never thought about the difference and were running into some issues with that very thing. They realized that it was desires that weren’t being met. Basically, they were setting each other up to fail.

If you're in a relationship and want it to succeed, I think it's important to distinguish the difference. Anyway, just some morsels to chew on for a bit...

Pursuit of Relationship: healthy or unhealthy?

Chuck Bomar — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 09:48:21 -0800

I'm at a new coffee shop this morning. Never been here before, but drove past it a couple times so thought i would check it out. I like it - cozy couches, cool atmosphere. Just ordered a "spicy Mocha." Not sure what that means yet, but it's one of their specialty items so I figured I'd check it out. I love Portland. I'm looking out the window at a clear blue sky, florescent colored leaves on the trees, damp streets. Walking in I could see my breathe just a little - the fall is my favorite season!

I'm looking around in the coffee shop and I see what looks like a couple talking. My guess is they are about 21 or 22 years old. They don't seem to know each other that well - in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this their second or third time together with the way they're talking. Yes, I've eavesdropped a little. Listening to them got me thinking about something for this series of blogs I'm doing. The issue of identity and meaning is closely tied to relationships.

You know those people who always seem to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? They can't ever seem to be alone? You often wonder if they're needy, or have a need to be affirmed by someone of the opposite sex. Sometimes you wonder if they even know who THEY are because they can't seem to see themselves without that significant other.

Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this person.

I'm wondering about often hidden thought in the back of all our minds that thinks whenever we find "that" person, we've arrived. We enjoy our single days - there's a lot we want to do before "settling down." But, there's still the thought that the end is marriage. If we can just find that one person, everything will be just fine.

Guys think their sexual temptations will end. Girls think their emotional desires will be met.

Both are myths. As a married man I can attest for the guys, and in one conversation with my wife the latter myth would be clear as well.

Watching this couple over to my left, I wonder if they are content in who they are as individuals or just searching for an identity and a sense of meaning in someone else? I wonder if they've really thought about who they are uniquely from anyone else or just substituted their identity in different relationships?

This may sound like I'm anti-dating or something - which of course I'm not. But I can say that I'm pro-identity formulation. I'm for people discovering who they've been uniquely made to be and become without substituting that in something else - a relationship is one of those ways.

If you were to break up with the person you're dating, who would you be? If it's different from who you are today chances are you've substituted your identity for a relationship.

If you have that hidden thought that marriage would make everything alright, chances are you've been sold on a false sense of identity and meaning. My wife brings a certain amount of meaning into my life and marriage is itself meaningful. But it's not the end. A truly meaningful relationship is a means to a much greater end. It's a picture of where my identity truly is found - in my relationship with Christ. My marriage is only meaningful because it's not self seeking for either my wife or I - it's about living in a relationship that mirrors the relationship between Christ and his church.

That inner thought in your mind of marriage meeting the expectations you have could pan out in disappointment - kind of like this "spicy Mocha" did. It's probably not the Mocha or coffee shop that's the issue, it's my expectations that are the problem.

Pursuit of Vocation

Chuck Bomar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:04:30 -0700

I'm not sure where you are in life, but if you're in your early twenties I hope this is going to help you think more deeply about yourself and pursuits.

All of us are gaining a deeper sense of meaning and hoping in future things to bring that about. This is never more true than our college-age years. These years that are filled with hope in a successful career and possibly even a family life. It's totally natural to place a lot of hope in these things, but I would also have to say it's not necessarily healthy.

There's a sub-culture of people, maybe you'll find yourself in this one, that are highly motivated in their education. Even though I hate categorizing people in anything, for the sake of this blog I will call this person the "vocational." The vocational has a very practical approach to school, seeking to gain skills and knowledge that will directly assist them in their future vocation. The underlying hope of the vocational is that an education will be the first step toward a successful career and making more money.

The vocational will typically work at least part-time, frequently attend school at night, and are very driven to finish their degree. Social life has importance, but it’s never priority over the pursuit of a future vocation. There is generally a humble approach to learning because they know their education is the hinge that will hopefully open the door to a meaningful and successful career.

Here’s my question: what is this person placing their hope in?

Maybe even more interestingly, is what this person placing their hope in worth it?

I’ve seen numerous people have their dreams of a successful career path turn into an unexpected nightmare. They placed all their hope in this and when they graduated with a degree that was supposed to help them get a better job yet continued waiting tables at the same restaurant, they wonder if it was all worth it. This is happening more and more.

Even if this exact situation doesn’t occur, there’s so many people that get into a career that they thought would satisfy them and they quickly find out the opposite. It doesn’t. It provided a temporary feeling of meaning and gave them a positive sense of identity, but it was temporal - and possibly caused them to lose who they really were.

It's highly possible we lose who we really are in our pursuit of becoming something else. This is dangerous. Who are you? It's a question we all must find a lasting answer to. Unfortunately I think too many of us search for it in the wrong places - vocation being one.

Is there something that doesn’t change, that's worth placing all our hope in, and provides true meaning?

I can think of one thing...

Temporary Meaning, False Identity

Chuck Bomar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:35:35 -0700

Who am I? Not so easy to answer is it?

I’m sitting at Ava, my favorite coffee shop. I moved up to Portland about six months ago from the LA area, and love it here. There are a lot of differences, but the biggest one being in the people. Now, it’s still America, but the truth is the culture here is different.

People ask me what the difference is. I can’t say exactly, but I often use the illustration of musicians to try to try to explain...

This is a generalization of course (and in ways unfair), but in LA the musicians seem to have an identity in the image of a musician. It’s not that they’re not good. They just seem to love the image of a musician more than they do music. More than that, they seem to see themselves in what they think the image of a musician is much more than authentically being one.

In Portland it’s quite different. Musicians here could care less what you think about them, they’re into their music. They’re not concerned about image, or what they’re wearing. The music is deeper than outward appearance or perception. They love what they’re playing and you can think what you want.

The people here, I guess, are generally less plastic and more who they are - no matter who’s watching. Authentic is a good word. Real. Refreshing.

It would be easy to think arrogantly toward the “musicians” of LA, but the fact is we all have image issues to some degree. We all find temporary meaning, or even a false sense of identity in outward appearance, or circumstances. When we do this it causes us to lose site of an intentional discovery of who we REALLY are. Who are you? Well, that’s not as easy to answer as we might think.

I do a ton of sociological work with people between the ages of 18-25, and lately have been writing about meaning and identity in this stage of life. For those of you in this stage (or close to it) maybe this would be a good series of blogs to follow. I will be hitting some of the major things college-age people find temporary meaning in, or even a false sense of identity.

There’s a lot, so to start these blogs I will focus on those of you attending 4 year universities. That’s not to say that commuter’s won’t identify with this - for sure you will. I’ve found that meaning and identity are too often found in the wrong places during these years - no matter where or if school is attended - and all it causes is a distance from who you really are.

So, I will be covering 4 general types of person and where they find temporary identity/meaning. It’s not a bad thing necessarily, but it’s certainly not permanent - which is the problem. So, the next blog will talk through one type of person - the Collegiate. Stay tuned...